


The perfect job

by HorizonGaming



Category: None - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 19:24:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15735825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HorizonGaming/pseuds/HorizonGaming
Summary: This is a bad story. Don't have high hopes for it.





	The perfect job

**Author's Note:**

> This is a bad story. Don't have high hopes for it.

The screeching of tires. The opening of doors. The sound of rushing footsteps.  
That'd be a good way to open a good bank heist story. Except this is a bad bank heist story. Well less a story of heist and like more 4 dumbasses trying to rob a bank. These dumbasses being Rebecca the Revolutionist, Nathaniel the Nihilist, Ned the Narcissist and Mike the Misogynist. So, let's take this back and see how this all really happened.  
The screeching of tires. The opening of doors. The sound of rushed footsteps. The crackling of a burning engine.  
"For fucks sake I told you we shouldn't have let Nathaniel drive, the bastard tried killing us all!" Shouted Ned  
"Fuck I survived." whimpered Nathaniel as he lay before Ned, on his knees waiting for a beating.  
"Well, it was him or Rebecca, and do you trust a woman driving any more than that depressed sack of shit?" Mike responded rowdily.  
"Shut your filthy, fucking, middle class mouth Mike you asshat, we've got a job to do."  
That job being a bank heist for ten million dollars. The plan was to blow a hole in the side of the building closest to the vault, grab as much shit from inside as they can and go. Their goal was 10 million with 2.5 million going to Mike and Rebecca, then 5 million going to Ned as Nathaniel's cut was supposedly better off in Ned's possession. They all had their reasons for wanting to do it. Ned wanted a mansion, Nathaniel wanted to find something interesting in life, Rebecca wanted to start campaign to overthrow the corrupt government. Then there was Mike. Mike didn't have anything in particular planned, he'd most likely just quit his job so he'd have more time to harass women.  
"The time is now, go time people!" Ned screamed, to be met by concerned looks from the rest of the team who were already going to work.  
"Nathaniel, get to work on the wall" Rebecca said.  
"Yeah what the inferior life form said you bastard"  
Nathaniel gulped, then turned toward the wall. A grin started to form on his face he pulled back his fists and released a flurry of punches on the wall while screaming "ORAORAORAORAORA". Those screams and loud cracking were all that was heard. The problem was the cracking wasn't the wall, it was his small, feminine hands breaking into pieces. The only effect on the wall was blood stains in the shape of fists.  
"ARE YOU FUCKING REEEEETARDED YOU BITCH?!" Ned screamed before punching him in the jaw, again to be met by concerned looks from Rebecca and Mike.  
"You've gone and killed him dumbass." Rebecca muttered.  
"And? He was dead weight." Ned snarkily replied  
"And you've gone and given him the sweet release of death, you can't beat him anymore." Mike said  
Ned was...  
He was...  
pissed off  
How could he have done this?  
"How...How..." Ned said quietly.  
All the time they had spent together, all the laughing, the smiling. All the good times. All gone because of a single punch.  
"HOW COULD YOU DIE SO FUCKING EASILY ASSHOLE? NOW IM GONNA HAVE TO FIND A NEW SCRAWNY WANK WITH NO WILL TO LIVE!"  
silence  
"Oh god..." a scared voice said  
"What? Nathaniel?" Ned asked softly.  
They were amazed. His will to live kept him alive. Well, maybe it was just that Ned wasn't very muscular. Nathaniel's will to live probably lowered his chance of survival.  
"If you were alive you should've woken up sooner dammit!" Ned said while tearing up.  
"You asshole, why've you brought me back?" Nathaniel said in a very unhappy tone.  
"Huh? Good god I knew you hated existing but why are you calling I, the great one, an asshole?" Ned snappily said back to him.  
B A N G !  
A cloud of dust blew past them.  
"While you lesbians were all depressed we actually blew down the wall. Hurry up we ain't got time." Rebecca shouted over the ringing in their ears.  
"God I hate lesbians, so confusing. Who makes the sandwiches and who earns money? Are they both making sandwiches while living on the dole? Creepy." Mike muttered.  
Our heroes (well, main characters) entered the vault. They all casually climbed through the hole and descended a set of stairs into the vault. Except Ned. Ned (being the extra bitch he is) decided to do a backflip through the hole in the wall. He turned 270 degrees before landing face first in some rubble and cutting the shit out of his face.  
"Hurry up princess" Mike called.  
"God fu--- Stop rushing we have all the time in the world for me to make my grand entrance" Ned replied  
He then tried riding the banister down the stairs, after 4 steps he fell off and rolled down the rest of the 15 steps. He swiftly stood up and ran to the others. Once he had caught up he saw them all stood before the metal gate into the room holding the cash.  
"Oh god" exclaimed Rebecca.  
"For fucks sake, you should've brought something in case of this" Mike shouted at her.  
"Yep, you should've finished me off outside Ned" Nathaniel said, even sadder than before  
Ned walked forward expecting to see a grand security system or an armed guard. He saw something worse. Something that jeopardised the whole mission  
"OH GOD A FUCKING PADLOCK!" Ned cried.  
It was over.  
Nothing left.  
Time to go home. Well that's what Ned thought until the padlock fell to the ground.  
"Huh? What?"  
Nathaniel had picked the lock with some paperclips that he kept on him.  
"What the fuck? Paperclips?" Ned exclaimed.  
"Oh, I use them to viciously slash the shit outta my wrists when the deep and unending void inside me becomes too much to bare. They give me a new means of comm---"  
Nathaniel was stopped by Ned punching him in the jaw again.  
"NOBODY ASKED FOR A SOB STORY, BITCH!" He yelled.  
"You've failed to finish the job, bitch. I'm still alive." Nathaniel said sadly before rolling over and crying to himself.  
"Ugh, hurry up lesbians we gotta go!" Rebecca shouted half way up the stairs.  
"And the cash?!" Ned replied angrily.  
"We got it while you two were scissoring, now hurry the cops are gonna be here any minute we gotta move!" Mike shouted.  
By the time they had gotten to the hole, the police had surrounded it. Mike, Ned and Rebecca moved to the main entrance. Nathaniel was crying, in the vault, alone.  
"We need a plan, any ideas?" Mike asked.  
"How about we leave through the back entrance, the police ain't surrounded it yet so we're good back there." Rebecca suggested.  
"Shut up woman, make a sandwich." Mike immediately replied.  
"How about we run out the main entrance and hope for the best? There are no other ways out." Ned explained.  
"GREAT PLAN! If only the woman over there could come up with something like that." Mike replied. "Speaking of Rebecca, HEY SLUT! WHATCHA DOING OVER THERE?"  
"Making a sandwich like you asked prick" she replied.  
"MWAHAHAHAHA, SHE KNOWS HER PLA--- huh?" He was interrupted by Nathaniel walking out of the main entrance to where the police were.  
"I have something to announce!" He yelled at the police who had surrounded him. "I am Nathaniel Abdul, and I am at the end of my line, I have no will to live anymore"  
The others stepped out of the door after him.  
"What're you doing retard! Get back!" Ned yelled.  
"Oi kiddo! They'll shoot!" Rebecca cried.  
"Yeah what the kitchen worker said!" Mike shouted.  
"So" Nathaniel continued "I have decided to---"  
He was riddled with holes. Fired upon. Put to sleep.  
"No..." Rebecca said softly.  
"Yeah... what the hoe said..." Mike whimpered.  
"Well, he got what he wanted I guess. Beep Boop Death. Another one bites the dust am I ri---"  
Ned was gunned down.  
"Wha--- I'm not black! Stop! The police can't kill me!" Were Ned's final words.  
Rebecca tried running. The police caught up to her. After all, she was tripped up by Mike.  
Mike was pinned down by a female officer.  
"Oh god anything but this! Don't turn me into Ned!" He cried out.  
"Anything you say can and will he held against you." she replied.  
"HOW ABOUT YOUR TITS BITCH!" He defiantly yelled before being hit across the head by a handgun.  
And that's the conclusion to our hero's story. Quite sad. Well very sad.  
Ned had a funeral, only his mother turned up to it. She fell into his grave after her knee gave out on her. He loved his mother, I guess that's how it is for country boys. Not even death can tear them apart from their family/lovers.  
Nathaniel woke up in hospital 2 days later. As soon as he could walk he climbed out of the window of the room he was staying in. He died after his knee shattered and bone fragments shot through his dick. He bled out. His last words were "Thank you."  
Mike served 30 years in jail. The moment he got out he bombed a feminist march. He was gunned down by police. His last words were "There is only one gender! Women... are... prop---."  
Rebecca served 10 years. Her judge was on the naughty side and liked her cleavage. She was on the lesbian side and like his daughter. After she got out she married her. She spent the rest of her days on the dole with her wife. They made sandwiches with each other. She passed away at 83 of old age. Her last words were "I never finished Mike's sandwich did I? Aha."  
The end.


End file.
